There it was again: all I desire… Every peak insight, every moment of falling in love. Every juicy sexy dance, side splitting laugh, and rush of adventure. Every trauma and it’s healing. Every lover that melts my heart and moves perfect with my body, playing mystical God to my mystical Goddess. The ideal romantic movie scene. All at once I feel it. Waves of love and affection, humor so sweet, and reality so real it pops me out of every last compartment until I can see the entirety of my existence. Overwhelm and ecstacy of mystical reunion… essentially all I ever desire to deeply feel and be, course through me. The resonance of my dreams all compounded into one moment. I fall so so so deeply, epicly, in love. I go into the experience for its own sake and play it out like a lucid dream I finally get to embody. And then I walk to the kitchen, eat some food. He scrolls through his phone and shows me a stupid meme. I ask him, what the hell was all that and how does it fit into the rest of all of these moments? Doesn’t it phase you that we just experienced so much perfection and now we have to go back to all this imperfection? How can I go from God mode to moments of awkwardness and I can’t find my socks? And why do I fall so deeply in love, feel the romance of my dreams from head to toe… And yet it is very clear we are not logistically compatible.

We are not Disney prince and princess. How can I transcend all reality with you, feel every inch of all I desire, wake up out of every last compartment into profound peace…and you say we must end our connection?

In a flash I feel the opposite of everything I desire: utter lack. A heart aching pain makes me want to vomit. I experience whooses of perception that are essentially perceiving the end to my life and all I enjoy… Because how could I ever move on from this moment, with this much pain?

There is an immediate background peace fully aware that the stories and accompanying perceptions are not true in and of themselves. The pain plays out and is nearly immediately dissolved back into the background peace. I allow myself to milk the heartbreak a little more. More intense pain overcomes me and I cry for a good minute as I tell the story of jealousy and rejection and lack of the love of my life. I let myself feel it as real until it again all dissolves back into the moment where nothing ever happened.

I allow the stories for sake of clarifying them. I notice how it feels, how all my perceptions feel, until the feeling is digested back to peace beyond it all.

In came the rush of New Perspectives: -that unreal moment was real, it is true, it is mine and my essence, it is always here, and I cannot ever lack it -There is no separation between my “God mode ecstacy” and me losing my socks. What if I could that perceived separation dissolved and I could rest in the same Essence regardless of experiences shifting? And I could see the unreal in all things? -so therefore I am the essence of all that beauty and I don’t need to force experience of it -I honor what is best for the whole over my selfish interests, and want to ease myself away from him -falling in love is not exclusive to a person, or even a circumstance, I fall in love with reality (can take many forms) -relationships are not like Disney fairy tales and do not have to fit in boxes of girlfriend boyfriend husband wife -I am ever more devoted to honoring a logistically sourceful lifestyle and relationships to carry this beauty (half logistics, half romance)

The point is I just had the most high high and low low and it wasn’t a big deal. There’s so much more Beyond it. I’m quickly purifying past paradigms and perceptions into new ways of seeing that are Freer and more all possible, naturally so, simply by noticing how it feels and applying devotion. Devotion to the epicness I feel myself to be.

And that the Epic Bliss of falling in love I seek, is more like a mountain lake rather than a rushing waterfall. Even when it is a rushing waterfall, it dissolves back into an ever more expansive Mountain Lake Beyond.

Triggers aren’t problems — they’re intel. They show up to reveal where I’m fragmented, stuck, or out of sync with what’s actually happening. When I respect them, they become a direct path to more clarity about what dies and doesn't work for me. I used to avoid them. Try to override them. Get caught in loops of blame or self-judgment. Or talk too soon — trying to make sense of something I hadn’t really felt yet. But a trigger is a signal, not an enemy. The work isn’t to explain it away or dump it on someone else. It’s to feel it directly, stay present with it, and track what story, pattern, or distortion it’s pointing to. I’m not always clear in the moment why I feel what I feel — and that’s okay. My practice is to pause the narrative, feel the sensation, and let it clarify on its own terms. That’s why I often process alone first. If I speak too early, I risk reinforcing confusion or projecting unintegrated story. Unless I’m with someone who can hold a clean field — someone who can stay present without fusing to the content, judging it, or trying to fix it. When that level of co-presence is possible, triggers become collaborative fuel for a mutual process. They open up deeper insight. They clarify desire and boundaries. They free up stuck patterns and stories — so both people can evolve toward more accurate, free, and expansive ways of relating to experience and each other. So no, triggers aren’t the problem. They’re portals — back to what’s real, what’s alive, what’s asking to be metabolized.

The Infinite Perspectives of a Transparent Being I don’t have certainty. So any which way would be fine. And even when I do choose a choice, I experience opposing perspectives simultaneously as to why I want the other choice. Every time. It used to be painful, when I assumed wrongness. Now I assume neutrality, and that any one perspective is about usefulness, not right or wrongness. The whole point is to experience all the perspectives and integrate them to come to continually more holistic and useful perspectives that encompass all the other perspectives, painting a progressively clearer picture of what I most purely want. I’m constantly collecting, comparing, and integrating multiple perspectives, so that in any one moment, there are a variety of choices I could make, ways to go, views to see, identities to be, contexts to hold, nuances of assumption and perception to see through. How to choose? I get to a place where it doesn’t matter what I choose. I’ve tried everything, and either way could work. And everything that doesn’t work is integrated too. So now I have a variety of options that are most useful and relevant to choose between. And through trial and error, I’m weeding out the options that are less so. I’m exponentially accumulating more holistic and useful perspectives/options/contexts/forms/places/people/assumptions to what I want. If only I could stick with one and be done. But my nature cycles through a variety of ways to see/be/do in any one moment, day, and week, so that I’m a different reality from moment to moment, day to day, continually discerning what I want through contrast. I drop in and out of entirely different universes constantly. With no reference points, nothing of constant to hold other than empty/full awareness itself, I absorb totally into whatever reality (context, activity, relationship, identity, state of being, orientation of awareness, focus) I choose. And I can’t stop in any one choice and be done. I am only clear in what I want in moving through context, not in sitting in them. I am not any one choice, I am the accumulation/integration of them. And so I must keep moving in order to integrate and find myself. Sitting still is not an option (contextually speaking… physically is ok sometimes) Tiring of contexts fast, I continually cycle through to new contexts, exponentially expanding to a more integrated perspective of myself. All of a sudden, I am the point of any one choice. Not the choice itself. The point is that I choose, I am empowered, at peace, I am expanding new frontiers, and am in alignment with myself. If a choice leads me to this, then I have the point.