MY MOM SAID SHE LOVED ME.
And for a brief moment, everything opened up into a perfect recognition of how unfathomably loved I already am.
How obviously I am not just a person in a world, but that every inch of me was chosen.
The perfection of it rendered everything else unreal —
and yet I experienced so much reality.
So much clarity.
So much recognition of my magnitude of being.
I saw that I was so much more than I had been assuming myself to be.
I was my mom.
I was my dad.
I was my home.
I was my friends.
I was you.
It was all me.
There was no separation.
No lack.
No small self to tell me anything was wrong.
And it was through the appreciation of all that was already here
that I found a transcendent new perspective —
a ground of awakening beyond the compartments,
into much more reality,
into full clarity of what I am and why I’m here.
Far beyond the baby perceptions I struggle with.
Into my higher-self perspective of infinite worth,
perfect conviction,
and peace.
I found connection to all the forms here
until I could release the need for form
and bask in the light of full self-awareness
without form.
But it was through appreciating the forms
that I found the essence —
and therefore the transcendence of their form.
The essence frees you.
And when you recognize enough of it,
it can completely lift you out of relative existence
into pure ecstasy of being.
But an instant later, it was gone.
As soon as my mom went away,
I felt myself sinking under a veil of heavy perception.
The light dimmed.
The connection faded.
The higher ground slipped away.
All the lights went out again.
And I was left wondering:
What if I’m glimpsing a new, higher ground
that is possible for me to stabilize in?
A ground without anyone,
without anything,
without a teacher,
without a form
to reflect myself through?
Can I hold this level of self-realization —
this completed sense of essence —
without needing form at all?
But it didn’t last.
So maybe it wasn’t the whole picture
of what is relevant for me.
Maybe all the forms —
all the teachers,
all the relationships,
all the experiences —
are meant to be included.
That’s why I chose this life.
These parents.
These friends.
These opportunities for work and adventure.
To experience my essence through form.
Through contrast.
Through differentiation.