Lyrics

It happened like this:
I asked what I wanted.
And Reality responded — it wanted to know what isn’t.
If everything is, then what isn’t?
It hit me: how can I truly see what is and choose what I want, if I’m not even clear on what isn’t?
All of a sudden, I was thrown into this existential fear of not knowing what reality even was.
Which was weird — because I thought I had already figured that out.
I had realized that I exist. I realized I am. I see clearly that everything is.
But then I started searching for what I am not — for what isn’t.
And I couldn’t quite find it.
Except then, somehow, I couldn’t even find what is.
That’s when I started imagining that black hole from the space video —
and it was terrifying as fuck.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
All sense of reality — in any tangeable, grounded way — was flushing down the toilet.
Nothing felt real anymore.
I kept asking:
If what is, then what isn’t?
What is absolute truth?
I thought consciousness was the ultimate ground —
but then… what isn’t consciousness?
And in that moment, it felt like I was losing both my mind and my sanity.
It was utterly terrifying — watching everything dissolve into a figment of consciousness… flushed away, gone.
If all that is, is… and it’s all there is… then what isn’t?
I felt myself starting to fall —
into what felt like nothing.
Nothing is.
But it wasn’t peaceful — it was paralyzing.
Pure, raw, existential terror.
I couldn’t find myself anywhere.
Nowhere.
I’ve never experienced that much fear in my entire life.
It felt like I could’ve died from it.
My nervous system couldn’t handle it for more than maybe ten seconds.
So I pulled back — because the fear was too intense.
And instantly, it launched me into the most blissful, pure ecstasy of clear knowing.
A flood of relief — I exist.
I cried and cried, so deeply grateful to exist.
So relieved that I am.
I didn’t want to not exist — not yet.
And I was so confused.
What even is reality?
I thought I had already realized that existence is reality—
so why did it feel like I was losing existence?
That question kept echoing —
not even as a thought, but as some strange, haunting feeling:
What isn’t? If this is… then what isn’t?
It wouldn’t leave me.
The doubt itself became its own kind of gravity.
In that moment, I was too afraid to answer it.
So I made myself a promise:
Someday, I will withstand every last ounce of fear
as all of known reality falls away —
and I will not-is all the way,
down the flush of every last figment of consciousness,
to the Absolute purity
Of what is.
And as of today… So it is.

But just when I think I’ve finally glimpsed enough isness essence,
again I’m thrown back into fear and groundless terror.
It is an ongoing practice:
deepening clarity and conviction —
in the essence deeper than consciousness.
Learning to relax with the fear
as reality dissolves
again and again
like some infinite fractal.
Does it ever really end?
No. And yes.
It is. And it isn’t.
Nothing. And everything.
Total terror and utter peace.
It’s always both.
Forever.
And never.
The end.
And the beginning.
OK. Seriously though. This article is done now. I think you get the point.

Bye.